First Love / Late Spring
Thought bubbles and reflections for some new beginnings.
And so here I am. Purple hair, pretty pink dress and all. My head is still all fuzzy, still in utter denial.
To make it all real for me, I want to write this down.
On the 4th of April, I started my life as a fashion student in a school I’ve been dying to go to. I’m running through my dreams.
On the opening ceremony that day, I was asked to make a speech about myself in front of people. Public speaking was never my forte, but I took the task for experience and did my best. I mainly talked about my background, why I do the things I do, and everything else in between. I began to talk about my own sets of flaws, my shyness, and how I use fashion mainly as a tool to communicate myself to the world.
I don’t know if you guys knew, but initially this webpage was made to compensate for me not being able to express myself properly in the real world. Of course, this web space has grown so much more than that and it’s wonderful. This virtual reality is a place for me to vent, express, be creative, and to remind myself about the things that’s been happening around me. It’s always been quite difficult for me to differentiate dreams from reality, and so this is my anchor that these things happened. This is also my anchor to rise up, as I’ve grown to write a lot pep talk posts to cheer my own self up. When I post about these kinds of things, I feel like I could really reach them and help myself a little.
Because truthfully, I don’t think I’m as confident as people here think I am. One of my tragedies is that I never finish anything I do. I want to do and be so many concepts, but I always feel so small and that overpowers me to stop doing them. This happens over and over, with all my interests spread out from one another. And as a lazy perfectionist, I never feel like I’m enough. I have terribly high expectations for myself that it overwhelms me to even try to see the ending with my own eyes; whether it would be a good one or not.
But when the days where I feel the fire light up, that’s when I put off being afraid for a while. I think those days are what matters the most. You just keep doing it, no matter what– and not be afraid of making a mistake. Mistakes are important; it’s a vital part of getting better. The only failure is not being able to give it a shot. Because if we just keep waiting for the rest of our lives, how can we ever be fulfilled with anything? We’ll all just be walking empty pots I think. There’s also no need to compare one’s self to others, as they’re on their own growing path as well, with their own sets of fears.
The thing about life that I really pick on about is time. I wish I had more of it. It’s fleeting and unfair. Nevertheless, when I take a breather and step out of myself I understand why time is the way it is.
Why the cherry blossoms last for only two weeks.
Why people come and go.
It’s a hard pill to swallow but thinking about it, time is a hard but caring teacher. It teaches us how everything has meaning, and to appreciate the beauty in things. Without time, we can’t grow, love, and become better.
All I know is I don’t need to grow up, I just need to keep growing on. Discover new things, people, places, and more things about myself. Let things be and yet keep my chin up and do my best.
So who is my first love?
It’s everything I fear, everything I hate, and everything I want.
My dream school, Japan, my family, my country, animals, this whole damn world and the people living in it. My first love is being alive. My first love is me.
Jacket – Japan Lover Me
Outer Dress – Mon Lily
Inner Dress – Urban Outfitters
Socks – Wego
Shoes – Yosuke
Hat – Lazy Oaf
Choker – House of Chokers*
Necklace – Faith Tokyo
Thanks for tuning everyone,
