- Mar 7, 2019

lovesick romance

a special diary entry on depression, bipolar disorder & self growth for myself and for my readers.

To whom it may concern;

I’m sorry I disappeared. Funny how black holes could pull you in at any moment without any more thought. No warnings & exceptions.

Recently I found myself back to those shadows, a lot stronger than usual that it left me and the people I care about with a bunch of troubles. I’m sorry to everyone I always worry. Thank you for staying anyways.

Right now I’m currently recovering. But that’s what life’s all about right? Happiness, sadness, falling and learning to get back up again. I never like admitting it to you guys too often but in all honesty, it does get tiring. This whole… Living, thing. But what can I do, life goes on and we must keep moving with it.

For the people in the virtual world that’s stuck with me for so long, this is for you. And for the people who don’t know, well, here’s something you might not know about me. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 1 with mixed episodes and, initially, recurring depression with psychotic tendencies. I had a feeling there was something going on with me since I was younger but I couldn’t really figure it out because I didn’t want to face myself. Even until now it’s weird accepting it. I always shamed myself and tendencies as wanting attention, a fake, or somewhere along those lines. Maybe it was society, but I’m pretty damn sure I didn’t help myself either. It was also easier to hide it as a kid. Puberty and Boys™, am I right? I’m just going through a phase. It will pass, suck it up. Why can’t you be better like the others? The thing is, I’m the one who beats myself up the most. The more I grew up and became more independent, it was harder to run away from it. I don’t want to count how many times I’ve attempted, I’ve blocked it. Even though I want everything to stop, my friends and family doesn’t deserve that. Sometimes I can’t even tell what’s real anymore. Every time I get to be my worst, I have to keep reminding myself that yes — this is real. These are valid and I should be kinder to myself. I have to keep fighting for myself for my own wellbeing.

Because I can be my worst enemy, too.

It’s hard to keep trying, I know. But we just have to keep going. To me, life isn’t about an end goal to happiness. It’s about living. It’s about growth; feeling happiness, the sadness. The art of grief, anger, and letting go. Dreaming dreams, crying when you get sad & laughing with friends when you find something funny. Because life is pretty funny when you think about it.

If I had to compare which ones worse; my manic self, or my depressive self, I wouldn’t know how to answer. They’re both cruel shadows that don’t care about anyone, not even themselves.

I’ve had the “worst” times when I was manic, too. A lot of times I was euphoric, yes, but in reality I could really compare it to having a toxic lover. You feel good, like nothing can break your love apart. It’s so great that there’s no room for rationality. Just… madness. Or you can feel like the worst, but you still can’t sleep for days thinking about your next big date. Everything is falling apart but that doesn’t matter. You fall in love and hurt people and that doesn’t matter, too. Because you with your lover at the moment and there’s nothing else in the world except the two of you.

I couldn’t accept the first time my doctor noticed of my manic state. I lost about 15kg. What could I do? I felt immortal- I never felt like I needed to eat. I fell deeply in love, fell quickly out of love. I blew up from the smallest things. Back and forth and so on. And that was alright with me. My attempts were mostly when I was manic. There were times where I was so euphoric I could die, and would have gladly done it.

Despite not having all the answers, all I know is I’m real. I can’t promise anything spectacularly positive, but just know I’ve always been trying.

And here I am. Still my own being.

And that’s both a comforting and terrifying thing to realise. No running away anymore, Naomi.

To the people reading, and to my own self that these diary entries were initially for.

Keep telling yourself this. Especially in the moments when you need to hear it the most:

stay soft, stay brave, stay true. especially in the darkest moments where you have the opportunity to light up and test your strength. will you take that chance to grow beautifully?

Thank you for staying with me 🌹