see ya later 2020
New years are supposed to mean new beginnings, but how do we feel about 2021?
For a lot of us, 2021 is merely a continuation or a substitution for 2020. However, is it really the case?
With the pandemic being global, it seems like we all have our share of disappointments, delays and perhaps even new knowledge?
Yes, 2020 was awful. However, I don’t think we should let it say that it was a waste. Many people turned to their old hobbies, or even found time to focus on their families. Most of all, to ourselves! I know I learned so many things about myself this year. Not so many good.. but things I needed to face and improve on.
To me, the biggest lesson I’ve been learning in 2020 is the art of letting go. 2020 has been rough and I’m still growing up. Just when you think you have it all figured out there can be some things that will challenge that, pull the rug right under you. I always say that’s kind of the point of life even though it’s easier said than done- that things aren’t supposed to be linear and the point of it all is to pick yourself back up again and again.
This year I had to face more things about myself that I’ve run away from, or even grown out of. This year taught me that fate is real more than ever. From relationships- friend soulmates to lovers. And even with myself. I’m slowly accepting that what’s meant to be will be, and whatever I let go, means that something else better for me will come. I’m the type of girl who if I want something- I do everything in my heart to go there, so losing control and letting fate take the wheel was so hard for me. But you know what? it’s freeing. I realized I put so much pressure on myself when I didn’t need to, and always forcing my way of things to take place as if it’s the only way but I know I didn’t need to be so hard on myself. I have to take breaks, too. I feel so lost so burned out. It’s inevitable to have a reaching point!
Sometimes it’s hard for me to see my positive traits and how far I’ve accomplished until I really think about it. That’s the kind of person I am. Why do I give myself such a hard time, I don’t know!! I know need to be kinder to myself, this has been one of my biggest struggles for years. Now, 2020 made me felt more inadequate since there are limited things to do. I kept blaming myself for being still. I started comparing myself to my old selves more than ever, and clung hard to my old selves’ dreams and doings. It’s hard to try to force-fit puzzles that have already grown differently, and even harder to accept it. I realized that I’ve been clinging to my past/future selves all the time and always depriving my current self of her needs. I’m supposed to be serving my current self, too. I know that I’m the type to always romanticize my past or future and I need to stop that because there’s nothing wrong with the me now. And plus, for me to have a better future self, I should be giving as much love to the me now, too. I keep forgetting to just live. Escaping my current situations by romanticizing everything out of touch has been my thing for as long as I can remember and I need to know my limits. It’s funny how 2020 really made us face things that we’ve put out for so long, from troubled countries to even my own self. It’s funny how if I look back to who I was 10 years ago, it doesn’t feel real. Or rather… it feels like it’s me yet different. Like a different vessel I shared memories with.
After I made the difficult decision to take a break from work/studies, for the first time in a long time in 2020, I actually felt hopeful. I know in my heart I’ll be back in Japan real soon ♡ Thank you for always supporting me. Happy new year!